Outside the lines

My daughter had a friend sleepover last night.  It was the first time the little girl had slept away from home without her mommy.  All was well... they painted their nails, watched a movie, ate buttered popcorn, and stayed awake whispering in bed until I reminded them for the third time that they needed to get some rest.  But a few hours later she woke in the darkness and came to find me with tears streaming down her face.  She wanted her mommy.  And there was no changing her mind.  So, we packed up her bag, called her mom, and sat waiting for headlights to turn down the driveway.

So precious was her innocent need for the comfort of her mommy's arms.  Do those simple needs ever change? When we become adults we are expected to behave differently, but we still have those moments when we feel as though we've awoken in the darkness in a place where nothing is familiar.  We long for comfort.  But what changes is our ability to recognize the value of pushing beyond that place of inner struggle and finding the strength from within to carry on.  Because if we remain in an unchanging world of comfort and familiarity forever, real living escapes us.

I'm not sure when I fully realized that I was on my own.  I think it was sometime during my first year in college as I struggled to find out who I really was and where I was headed.  But in those late night moments of soul searching, I could still make a phone call.  My mom would pick up the phone and reassure me that I was her sweet girl.  That I could do anything; the future was mine to create.  And that I should just dry my tears for the night, lay my head down, and start fresh tomorrow.   I look back and think that she was giving me the strength to find my own comfort in times of uncertainty.

But it doesn't mean that there aren't times that I'm afraid.  There's a secret, though, that my daughter and her sweet little friend will learn as they grow: on the other side of the fear and darkness, you often find something amazing.  Because when you push yourself just beyond what is comfortable, the magic of change creates a new space of growth.  And it's through that growth that the night sky is painted with stars.  But you have to push.  You have to be willing to reach beyond comfort, and dare to seek what is waiting outside the lines.

Arm in arm

It was somewhere between waking and sleeping that I felt her beside me.  We were walking and the sun was shining.  Her presence felt natural, as if she had been here all along.  I moved forward with a purpose, one that I couldn't identify, but that I knew she supported.  Time and place didn't matter.  My heart was light and happy next to her.  And then I woke up.

Lately I've been struck by the fact that it truly takes work to remain hopeful and positive.  It's a hell of a lot easier to be angry and complain than it is to seek out the good.  And sometimes there is no good.  All we have is each other and a whole lot of awful stuff.  Things we can't fix.  But arm in arm we find a way through.

When you watch people you care about fight for their lives, it sobers you to the reality that time is not infinite.  It makes those little annoying things that happen on a daily basis seem trivial.  It can even be hard to be joyful.  But plow on we must.  Because joy can come to you at the craziest moments.  When you think you're at the edge and can go no further.  But you have to be looking for it.  Working for it.

When my mom comes to me like that, it's hard to know what to make of it.  I just savor the moments of feeling like she's next to me.  But somehow this time, I knew she was there for support.  Silently reassuring me; helping me to continue moving forward.  To continue the journey with a hopeful heart.

Maybe the goodness in this world and the one beyond is connected.  It's never easy.   But when we seek the light, we will find it.

Pass It On...

Think of the people in your life who are the most kind.  Do you devote time to them? Do you surround yourself with people who exhibit kindness and make it a priority to at least attempt to send some back their way?

My friend reminded me of Plato's quotation: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." It's true meaning has become more clear as the years pass, but I came across it in my first job managing others.  A woman had come into the clinic and was treating everyone terribly.  She offended someone to the point of bringing her to tears.  We finally put her in a private room and I went in to talk to her.  I was livid that she had upset the staff so much, but walked in, sat down and asked what we had done in the 10 minutes that she had been in the clinic to upset her so.  She started weeping.  I was shocked but waited for her to explain.  Turns out her husband had been shopping for groceries the week prior, was bringing them in, and slipped on the back steps.  He had fallen and hit his head.  He passed away that night.   She told me she hadn't cried about it yet- she was trying to be strong for her kids.  The next week at the staff meeting, I told the story and reminded everyone to be kind.  Including me personally.  It was a lesson I often think of and try to hold close.

  

I am on a quest to become a better, kinder version of myself every day.  Sometimes I get so caught up in everything else that I forget the basics.  Everyday life can do that to you.  You get so busy multitasking, going from Point A to Point B and back again that stopping to hold the door for an elderly woman or picking up a toy dropped by the child behind you doesn't happen.  And yet, isn't that truly what it's about? 

When I look at the people in my life I find inspiration.  It took a long time to realize that friendship is always a conscious choice.  It's a choice to devote energy to relationships with the right people.  As it turns out, the friends who are most significant in my life are the kindest people.  They wipe my kids noses and leave potted tulips on my doorstep and ask how I'm doing, how things are going.  I really don't know how I got so lucky.   

When the rush is over, the frantic dash complete, kindness stands alone, casting beams of sunlight after the rain.  Kind.  It is how I remember my mom.  I can only hope to leave such an awesome legacy.

Success?

Yesterday, as I was driving over the water, sun on my face, to visit another old friend, memories of years past swirled in my head.  I was particularly thinking about my college years.  Those days were so full of hopeful anticipation of the life that stretched out before me.  Anything could happen.  God, they are fond memories.

All of us have traveled our own paths since, some truly going on to change the world in big ways, and others in smaller ways that still matter.  I was marveling at the uniqueness of each of our lives since we graduated, which made me wonder who has found success.  I started to question whether the word success as it's defined even really matters in the end.

My idealistic vision of success has changed since the years I planned runs (my time to think) around making it up the lawn to the rotunda in the early morning sun.  Back then I was busy climbing towards some far-off place full of accomplishments, where, once I'd arrived, I'd finally sit back and enjoy the view.  What I didn't realize then was that the joy of late night Little Johns, lectures that challenged me, and Foxfield in the spring was not a part of the climb. I was already on the proverbial mountaintop at the time.

So how about now? There are people in my life who, hands down, have made an incredible impact... but yet it's become clearer that those things aren't "it." At least for me.  For me, success in this moment is  finding peace and happiness in the life I lead and those things are not implicitly connected to achievements (though they have certainly helped propel me forward).

Now my goals aren't as objective as they once were.  I strive to continue growing, to be a good friend, to laugh, but also to allow myself to feel pain when it comes.  I want to always be unfraid to go all in, even if it's risky. 

Funny though, because it doesn't much matter to anyone else what my goals are or how I define success.  That's something we all have to find for ourselves.  How incredibly invigorating to be a part in not only my own adventure but to catch a glimpse of what "it" is for those walking beside me.  I'm still full of hopeful anticipation.