Be Bold

To me there is a difference between being content and being truly happy.  And it's not always black and white.  But as women, in the trenches with our little ones, it takes a little more intention to find our way down the right path.  What's most important? It's a question that no one can answer for us. It's also a question that some of our female leaders are attempting to tackle.

I have to admit that I jumped on the anti-Sheryl Sandberg bandwagon a while back when she was telling us all to "Lean In," while I was busy cleaning up pellet-form baby poop that had been thrown all over the room by one of my twin toddler boys before I got him out of the crib.

I hadn't read her book or really given much thought to what leaning in meant.  All I knew was that some days it seemed pretty difficult to shift my focus from trying to come out of the other side alive. And when I was able to focus on something other than survival, I wanted to be present in the moment with my four kids.  To find animal shapes in the clouds, to kiss sweet baby cheeks and toes, to run in the waves. Work wasn't as important as any of those things- it never would be.

Fast forward a few months.  Some of my girlfriends and I read Sheryl's book.  We haven't yet had a chance to talk about it, but I came away feeling...empowered.  For me it reminded me of something basic that we as mommies sometimes forget: what is it that is unique about who we are? How can we strive to live in the fullness of our whole selves?

The thing is that sometimes it's hard to shift our focus from survival or even just from contentment.  To continually ask ourselves- how can we grow? All of us have different ideas of where real happiness comes from, but have we checked in on that lately?

Beyond that, let's find a way to boost our confidence to step out boldly and continue our journey.  It's always a delicate balance.  Between running a small business and trying to compassionately and intelligently raise four children, the shit hits the fan (literally) a lot.  But I am happiest when I remember that I was given one life- it's my choice to take it any direction I choose.  In the end when it comes to happiness, "the doors will be opened to those who are bold enough to knock." Press on, my friends.  Choose to knock.

Gratitude

The season of thanks-giving is upon us.  And I'm not really referring to turkey day, but the general effort I am witnessing by many friends to express their gratitude for people and things in their lives.  I have really found it uplifting to read all these expressions of love for life.  It's made me feel a bit more focused as the holidays approach.  Focused on filling up my heart with people and things that emanate goodness and remembering how amazing life is.

A few days ago I was talking with some other moms about the petty things that can weigh us down on a daily basis.  We all battle these distractions, and it's hard to work to stay the course and assign value to things that truly deserve it.  When pulled in so many directions, it can be hard to pick yourself up out of a funk (which for me began today when the dog ate the entire loaf of bread I just bought) and move forward with choosing to be loving and kind.  It's always a choice.

I am grateful every day for the friends in my life who help me on this journey to be a better version of myself. I started thinking about my journey when I was talking to a patient this week about the value of friendships and how much it means when someone knows a good chunk of your story (or nearly all of it).  I have had some struggles along the way so far.  Pain and despair, grief and sadness.  But I have not let it harden my heart.  I believe in optimism, despite the bad things that happen.  People are good.  There are reasons to be grateful every day.

I have to choose to fit gratitude into the craziness of my current day-to-day existence.  It's a lot of work.  And I have to admit that there are definitely times when I get way too fired up about a Starbuck's croissant mashed into the floor of the backseat of the car, or some of the cartoons that seem to entice me to step over the threshold to crazy town.  But I am a work in progress.  I strive to step back and be grateful.  And, oh, how I am blessed in ways that I never imagined (twins, what?!).  Their faces are my light.  Muddling my way through difficulties has led to joy.  My heart is full.

As the holidays approach, I wish you gratitude even in the craziest and most difficult moments.  Spread it around to those in your world.  It might be just what someone needs to turn it around and to open their heart to the beauty of simply living another day. Stay focused and press on through the pettiness.  A grateful heart will see you through.  Each day on this planet we have a chance to live the way we want to live and to revel in the celebration.

"Happiness.  Not for another place, but this place.  Not for another hour, but this hour."
-Walt Whitman

Life has been a little hectic since January.  Ok, very hectic.  Hectic to the point that it is difficult to come out of multi-tasking mode.  I guess that's what happens when you "double down" on kids.  Yesterday, I was in the car without them (my friend was driving) and it felt like I was neglecting something or someone because I could just sit there and do nothing but chat with her.  On a daily basis, I have adjusted to juggling as many tasks as possible.  I only sometimes pour egg whites instead of cream in my coffee or panic that I left my wallet in a parking lot when it's really in my bag where it belongs, but usually things turn out okay. 

I've heard it said that multitasking in this way can make us unable to do anything well.  That may be true in some aspects of life, but in my case a strange thing has happened.  I have become better at appreciating goodness.  When I do have moments of peace or happiness or joy, I experience those moments so much more vividly than ever before.  I guess maybe it's because it takes more work to achieve a state of calm, or because that state is more rare.  But I just started to really stop and allow myself to take in the glow of sunshine on my face, or the sound of my kids laughing in the crashing waves, or the smell of the grill.  And it got me thinking: why didn't I do this before? Why wasn't I acutely aware of the vibrant joy in every day life?

I have to note that losing my mom  five years ago brought me a lot of clarity about living in the moment and the things that really matter.  Anyone who has lost a loved one can relate to the feeling that life is short.  That each day must be lived.  Really lived.  I now realize that the definition of real living evolves with us as we make our journey.  This morning in between grabbing a quick shower after feeding the twins their morning cereal and filing claims for work, I thought: the level of craziness at which I'm currently operating is certainly not ordinary.  My life is not ordinary.  But then, whose life is?  

Ten years ago, living an extra-ordinary life had a whole different meaning for me. I marveled at bright blue lakes while hiking in Croatia and took in the beauty of Piazza Navona under the night sky with the one I love.  But now I am starting to find the same joy in the simplest aspects of every day life.  In the realization that my life is not ordinary even though I do ordinary things every day. 

In all of the chaos, my focus has sharpened.  I think (in order to survive) I have unconsciously prioritized the things that truly matter and begun to ignore the rest of the noise.  And this has made me tune into joy even more deliberately than before.  It is possible to be joyful in the midst of chaos.  I'm not sure if it's my life experience or my current state of chaos that helped me to realize this, but I know it's something I want to pass on to my kids.  Be present.  Be open.  Be busy and crazy and live a life that is full, but in the frantic shuffle of it all, don't lose your focus.  If you look for joy, you will realize it is all around you.


  

 

Outside the lines

My daughter had a friend sleepover last night.  It was the first time the little girl had slept away from home without her mommy.  All was well... they painted their nails, watched a movie, ate buttered popcorn, and stayed awake whispering in bed until I reminded them for the third time that they needed to get some rest.  But a few hours later she woke in the darkness and came to find me with tears streaming down her face.  She wanted her mommy.  And there was no changing her mind.  So, we packed up her bag, called her mom, and sat waiting for headlights to turn down the driveway.

So precious was her innocent need for the comfort of her mommy's arms.  Do those simple needs ever change? When we become adults we are expected to behave differently, but we still have those moments when we feel as though we've awoken in the darkness in a place where nothing is familiar.  We long for comfort.  But what changes is our ability to recognize the value of pushing beyond that place of inner struggle and finding the strength from within to carry on.  Because if we remain in an unchanging world of comfort and familiarity forever, real living escapes us.

I'm not sure when I fully realized that I was on my own.  I think it was sometime during my first year in college as I struggled to find out who I really was and where I was headed.  But in those late night moments of soul searching, I could still make a phone call.  My mom would pick up the phone and reassure me that I was her sweet girl.  That I could do anything; the future was mine to create.  And that I should just dry my tears for the night, lay my head down, and start fresh tomorrow.   I look back and think that she was giving me the strength to find my own comfort in times of uncertainty.

But it doesn't mean that there aren't times that I'm afraid.  There's a secret, though, that my daughter and her sweet little friend will learn as they grow: on the other side of the fear and darkness, you often find something amazing.  Because when you push yourself just beyond what is comfortable, the magic of change creates a new space of growth.  And it's through that growth that the night sky is painted with stars.  But you have to push.  You have to be willing to reach beyond comfort, and dare to seek what is waiting outside the lines.

Arm in arm

It was somewhere between waking and sleeping that I felt her beside me.  We were walking and the sun was shining.  Her presence felt natural, as if she had been here all along.  I moved forward with a purpose, one that I couldn't identify, but that I knew she supported.  Time and place didn't matter.  My heart was light and happy next to her.  And then I woke up.

Lately I've been struck by the fact that it truly takes work to remain hopeful and positive.  It's a hell of a lot easier to be angry and complain than it is to seek out the good.  And sometimes there is no good.  All we have is each other and a whole lot of awful stuff.  Things we can't fix.  But arm in arm we find a way through.

When you watch people you care about fight for their lives, it sobers you to the reality that time is not infinite.  It makes those little annoying things that happen on a daily basis seem trivial.  It can even be hard to be joyful.  But plow on we must.  Because joy can come to you at the craziest moments.  When you think you're at the edge and can go no further.  But you have to be looking for it.  Working for it.

When my mom comes to me like that, it's hard to know what to make of it.  I just savor the moments of feeling like she's next to me.  But somehow this time, I knew she was there for support.  Silently reassuring me; helping me to continue moving forward.  To continue the journey with a hopeful heart.

Maybe the goodness in this world and the one beyond is connected.  It's never easy.   But when we seek the light, we will find it.

Pass It On...

Think of the people in your life who are the most kind.  Do you devote time to them? Do you surround yourself with people who exhibit kindness and make it a priority to at least attempt to send some back their way?

My friend reminded me of Plato's quotation: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." It's true meaning has become more clear as the years pass, but I came across it in my first job managing others.  A woman had come into the clinic and was treating everyone terribly.  She offended someone to the point of bringing her to tears.  We finally put her in a private room and I went in to talk to her.  I was livid that she had upset the staff so much, but walked in, sat down and asked what we had done in the 10 minutes that she had been in the clinic to upset her so.  She started weeping.  I was shocked but waited for her to explain.  Turns out her husband had been shopping for groceries the week prior, was bringing them in, and slipped on the back steps.  He had fallen and hit his head.  He passed away that night.   She told me she hadn't cried about it yet- she was trying to be strong for her kids.  The next week at the staff meeting, I told the story and reminded everyone to be kind.  Including me personally.  It was a lesson I often think of and try to hold close.

  

I am on a quest to become a better, kinder version of myself every day.  Sometimes I get so caught up in everything else that I forget the basics.  Everyday life can do that to you.  You get so busy multitasking, going from Point A to Point B and back again that stopping to hold the door for an elderly woman or picking up a toy dropped by the child behind you doesn't happen.  And yet, isn't that truly what it's about? 

When I look at the people in my life I find inspiration.  It took a long time to realize that friendship is always a conscious choice.  It's a choice to devote energy to relationships with the right people.  As it turns out, the friends who are most significant in my life are the kindest people.  They wipe my kids noses and leave potted tulips on my doorstep and ask how I'm doing, how things are going.  I really don't know how I got so lucky.   

When the rush is over, the frantic dash complete, kindness stands alone, casting beams of sunlight after the rain.  Kind.  It is how I remember my mom.  I can only hope to leave such an awesome legacy.

Success?

Yesterday, as I was driving over the water, sun on my face, to visit another old friend, memories of years past swirled in my head.  I was particularly thinking about my college years.  Those days were so full of hopeful anticipation of the life that stretched out before me.  Anything could happen.  God, they are fond memories.

All of us have traveled our own paths since, some truly going on to change the world in big ways, and others in smaller ways that still matter.  I was marveling at the uniqueness of each of our lives since we graduated, which made me wonder who has found success.  I started to question whether the word success as it's defined even really matters in the end.

My idealistic vision of success has changed since the years I planned runs (my time to think) around making it up the lawn to the rotunda in the early morning sun.  Back then I was busy climbing towards some far-off place full of accomplishments, where, once I'd arrived, I'd finally sit back and enjoy the view.  What I didn't realize then was that the joy of late night Little Johns, lectures that challenged me, and Foxfield in the spring was not a part of the climb. I was already on the proverbial mountaintop at the time.

So how about now? There are people in my life who, hands down, have made an incredible impact... but yet it's become clearer that those things aren't "it." At least for me.  For me, success in this moment is  finding peace and happiness in the life I lead and those things are not implicitly connected to achievements (though they have certainly helped propel me forward).

Now my goals aren't as objective as they once were.  I strive to continue growing, to be a good friend, to laugh, but also to allow myself to feel pain when it comes.  I want to always be unfraid to go all in, even if it's risky. 

Funny though, because it doesn't much matter to anyone else what my goals are or how I define success.  That's something we all have to find for ourselves.  How incredibly invigorating to be a part in not only my own adventure but to catch a glimpse of what "it" is for those walking beside me.  I'm still full of hopeful anticipation.